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[19 Dec 2006|10:57pm]
There’s a certain sound at the beginning of every non-season in San Diego that I never look forward to but when it comes, it offers such priceless validation. In my shitty apartment, where the water doesn’t get hot, and the lights don’t work, and the sink clogs, and there’s maggots in the trashcans outside, and where at times I feel so hopelessly young, like we all must, I feel so validated. With my windows open (that, for the record, are always open because they don’t close) I heard tonight the first beautiful whisper of Fall. It’s not loud, like sometimes Winter can be, if I remember correctly. Fall’s so soundless. It’s quiet. The heat, in summer, is fucking obnoxiously noisy. Everything makes a sound. Skin and sheets, computer fans, dirty clothes. The dehydration in the air echoes. What’s Spring? Do we have a spring? I don’t notice.

After I had a Mastoidectomy in my right ear, I constantly heard a buzzing sound, no, more than that, a white noise, a never-ending-headache, a sshwwwoosh-shhhwoooosh-shhwoooosh-swhooooh sound. Always. I couldn’t sleep. I’d tune the radio to a station that matched the pitch of the white noise in my head and I’d lay listening and listening and listening to the sounds until finally there were none. Nothing. And then I’d sleep.

So I[m not 13 anymore. And any disturbance I hear now is a part of me, and I like it. Tonight, for example, there’s no other sound I’d rather hear than the windless poetry of North Park and it’s melodic Nothing. It sounds too good to articulate.
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[11 Apr 2006|11:11pm]
Every time I do laundry, I gain 10 pounds. I pull my warm jeans from the dryer, i smell them, i hug them, it is early, it is so early and my hot jeans hold me, buttons burn me, and I squeeze myself into the denim. I tuck myself in. Breathe out. "I've gained 10 pounds," I think. Doing laundry makes me fat.

As my day continues, my jeans-- they loosen up. Lighten up. Waking up isn't so bad.
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[05 Jan 2006|01:52pm]
In direct correlation with Acacia's most recent entry, there are also so many things I want to say right now, but I will only say this: One can never over emphasize the importance of using discretion and tact.
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no puede ir a casa [30 Dec 2005|11:58pm]
Lori Nixon, my beautiful and freakishly freckled friend, and I met when my family moved to Casa Court, a secluded cul-de-sac paralleling a long creek swallowed in tall trees-- that as we hoped it would stay-- our swamped surviving neighborhood. She sat in the passenger seat of my newly acquired Camry, my first car and the car that I had hoped one day would take me far from home. We approached a familiar stop light. "My dad used to tell me that stop lights with the green arrow pointing up meant that when it lit, the car would float up to heaven," said Lori. I smiled, "and you believed him?" The arrowed stop light seemed stuck on red and I, too, felt stopped and stuck. Stuck in Poway. Stopped in adolescents.

Naturally, the light turned green and we drove on but not up. My car was stolen years later. It did, though, take me away from Casa Court. The creek went away, too, as did the trees breathing and feeding it. The frequency of my visits home are so rare that I can’t tell you what is now in place of the casa’s creek, but I know it’s not there.

Tonight I drove home from work and I approached an identical stop light, one with a green arrow pointing up. I sat at the light hoping that it wouldn’t turn to go. Hoping that before it left red it went to yellow. I’d settle for orange, I thought. Turn to orange, Light, because I don’t want you to glow green. Naturally, it did turn green, and I didn’t want to move forward, I wanted to move up. I thought to myself that what I really needed, wanted, at that moment was for my car to float straight to heaven.

A horn woke me from my daydream and I accelerated forward. It is terrifying to realize that you are your own parent-- that you make your own home-- and it is terrifying to realize that there is no going back. Today I believed Lori’s dad for a moment and then so soon my car was gone, so soon the trees cut, the swamp sunk, the dream drained. So soon I realized that the gravity of our reality is pulling us down and not up.
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[18 Jul 2005|03:34pm]
So, this time last year I ran into Cheeto, Val and Tina at the 48-hour film project premier.

Acacia and I will be going to the 9:30 showing (there are two, i'll be going to the second one because that's when my friend Sean's movie will be showing) at the La Jolla Landmark on Wednesday.

I think this means something, you know, seeing as how I ran into Sean Evans at Gelatos on Saturday and that I haven't seen any of you in a year. Go! We'll have fun!

Good, then, I'll see you there.
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[10 May 2005|10:44am]
My life has become only what i've lived this past year and eight months. Everything before doesn't currently exist because i haven't spoken to anyone from my past in almost that long.

it's strange to think what will come in the next two years. if these people that i'm so close to now will be the same people i'm equally as distant towards.

probably not. i'm so much more my own person, i think. unrecognizable, almost, from my old person.

regardless, i miss it and not in an obligatory kinda way. just 'cus.

anyway-- what's new with me: I'm currently the receptionist at TumYeto (www.tumyeto.com) and I love it. I live in North Park with the love of my life, Laura, and we watch the apprentice religiously in our perfectly decorated home. I have a crush on a boy that has a crush on me but there's embarrassing details that i shouldn't get into to spare him. i have dark hair. i have a myspace account. i love alisha's uncle singing karoke at scolaries. i love curb your enthusiasm and i love netflix.

but yeah, i'm still the most cynical motherfucker. at least i'm not paralized.
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[18 Dec 2004|10:56pm]
Happy Birthday, Seven. I miss you dearly.
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[06 Jul 2004|11:10am]
So, I turned 19 a week or two ago. Laura threw a little party for me. Paul took me out and stuff.

4th of July party was pretty fun.

I just applied for a job at Skate America and I'm really hoping that I get the job. My friend Brandon started today and I would really love to work with him. And it would be cute because his girlfriend Jovanna works with Paul at Tomyeto, another skate warehouse.

I hope I get the job.

I don't know how it happened, but I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.
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[17 Jun 2004|01:19pm]
Just updating to let you all know that I'm alive and that I miss you.

In other news, I quit my job at Body Gems after the new "owner" disrespected me in a way that no other employer or person, for that matter, ever has. Thank god that's over.

... spending every day with Laura, walked out of the movie "a day without a mexican," eating lots of sushi deli, going out every night and needing to slow down, spent a lovely evening with Acacia, tried to call Seven but phone was disconnected, bought a new face wash and it's working wonderfully, things with Paul are going better than any relationship I could ever dream up, celebrated Andy's birthday last Saturday.
I'm just having fun, although employment would be a good thing right about now.

Have a good summer everyone. Call me?
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[06 May 2004|07:54pm]
Just got back from spending a few days in Las Vegas with Laura and Bobbie. I did everything I possibly could have done in Vegas-- bought more than a hundred dollars worth of plugs (it was an Association of Professional Piercers convention at the Riviera), got drunk (gasps), puked (...), illegally won $20 at the quarter slots, illegally lost $20 at the quarter slots, snuck into the fancy Venetian hotel (mission impossible style) to swim, got tan, met a celebrity (from the drew cary show), saw MORBID ANGEL at the house of blues, and ate at a shitty buffet.
I guess I could have had a one night stand, but I'm finding that my "relationship" with Paul is becoming more and more exclusive as I find myself liking him more and more everyday. Although I'm standing firm in my decision to not want a boyfriend, I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever had feelings for anyone like I do for him. And the most comforting part is that besides Laura, I don't enjoy anyone's company more than I do his.

In other news, Seth's being lame, Scoops' is "butt hurt" over me, Bobbie's... being Bobbie, Anthony and I have been hanging out a lot lately, my ear hurts, I'm working at North County Fair Wednesday's and Thursdays and it's nice because I've made some cool friends, working in Carlsbad sucks because of the drive, and I had a dream that Paul tried to peer-pressure me and Laura into taking pills and when we were like "nuh huh" he kept pressuring until we said yes and then he pulled out a bottle of Calcium supplements and so I started taking more vitamins.
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[23 Mar 2004|01:07pm]
I should give a preface to the simple thing i want to share, so here it is: Laura and Shon broke up two weeks ago after Laura found out that Shon cheated on her with Aja, Shon's ex-girlfriend and Laura's pseudo friend.
I drove Laura to Shon's new place (he'd been living with Laura until about a week before their break-up) so that the two of them could talk.

After they spoke Laura and I made a quick exit and she told me everything she had said. All of it was brilliant, but what really kicked him in the nuts was when she told him that she was beautiful, intelligent, and great.

As lame as it sounds, it worked, and it worked mostly because it's true. I'm a huge fan of modesty, but so much can happen when a little part of you recognizes the greatness that you do have.

And Seven, I think it's happening for you... And to keep your spirits high, it hasn't stopped happening for me yet. Your time has come.
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[02 Mar 2004|11:57pm]
I just sat here looking at the screen thinking of typing up my life like Seven did in her most recent entry, but I can't come up with an entertaining way of putting it like she did.

This is a good life I live, though. It almost makes me believe that all of the growing I've done this past year has really paid off.

I don't know if I should feel nervous about the instant connections I've made with so many people lately, but I don't at all doubt its sincerity.

I have 188 photos documenting the parties and people i've met from the past three months. Today i compiled them into an album and I went through my old photographs from the planter of junior year, the swimmingly-fun-summer, the band and etc.
And I look at the pictures and read the writings and a part of me so desperately wants to connect with these people like I used to.

What I'm trying to say, anyway, is that every other day I think about Acacia and Seven, I think about loving people and I mean geniunely loving them, and I think about Hot Java Cafe and Mikey's and Lori and Sean and Kate and Caroline and Joel and T(hom) and Cheeto, Alisha and my sometimes brutal unfairness, Adam, Anthony and Susie, John Graber, Matt, Alana...

Even so, most of you aren't out of reach. Maybe Kate and Sean, Caroline and Joel (because I don't know their numbers) and yeah, probably Adam, but I know that if I were to make an effort with the rest of you it would be just what it was, a time and place where we once did connect. I had such a good time with all of you, and though our communication is slim to none, I know that I can always remember and appreciate those times.
And that my appreciation doesn't end with friends I made in high school (these friend's that I still consider friends) and that I can sit outside Andy's house with Laura and cry and laugh and talk shit and feel awkward around Scoops and be flattered that Paul Michael thinks I'm cute and scream third eye blind lyrics with Bobbie and invite Vicky and Casey to sing too and always clarify to Kevin that we're friends and that we'll hang out during the week when he's sober. And that I'm moving in with Marie, my picture-buddy, one of the most stunningly beautiful people I've ever met and I've never felt so sure and comfortable about anything before.

Fuck dood, haha, yeah, the point: Everything's good, everything but gas prices.
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[03 Feb 2004|11:21pm]
I've been really out of contact with everyone for the past month. I wonder if this is correlated to the fact that I haven't been near a computer for a long ass time.

I miss you, Seven. I've only tried to call three times, every time I get attitude from one of your roommates.

Things that have happened since I disappeared:
I got another job at a t-shirt making place called Sea & Sun (Pacific Shirt Co.) through Susie. I got this job because I was growing increasingly frustrated with my owners at Body Gems.
Surprisingly, I started dating Andy, but I have put things on hold. Oh, and Seven, this one night I was talking about Poway and I asked if he knew Jon Gerdemann and he said "oh! and Bethany!" The enthusiasm was weird. I like him but I can't see things working out, considering I really don't want a boyfriend and me "using" him isn't fair. There is one guy, Scoops, however, that I really wouldn't mind being exclusive with. Then again, I'm really happy just being his friend.
I've become really close with Bobbie's roommate, Laura. I feel more at ease and happy with Bobbie and Laura than I have with any people in a really long time. Laura and I watch sex and the city and it's our new obsession. And Rob's. Oh, I almost forgot, I was supposed to move in with Rob Barn's (who's become a pretty good friend these past 6 weeks) but I backed out because I didn't have a $1000 to put down.
I want to keep going on and on about the adventures I've had in San Diego but it won't make any sense. It's moments like these when I wish my two lives would collide.

Anyway, I moved out of Oceanside. I'm happy. Not that I really ever lived there. I'm keeping my job at Body Gems after I found out that they were going to shut down my kiosk if I left. Last Saturday I quit my job at Sea and Sun. I'm so happy with that decision. And besides, I've made too close of friends at that goddamn mall to just leave it. I work monday, tuesday, and wed from 3 to 9 and Thursday i work from 10 to 4.
My family works during the day, which means by the time I get home at 9:40pm, they're already to sleep. And on Thursdays I leave straight from Carlsbad to San Diego where I sleep Thursday night, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I should reconsider this schedule I've created. I feel bad for the people I moved back in with that I never see.

So much for catching up, I suppose. I have a mobile phone, call it! 243-7725
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[17 Dec 2003|11:48pm]
Why the hell would "Off The Record" be on my caller ID?
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[13 Dec 2003|09:48pm]
even though life always sucks because of this, that, and the third..
i really do believe that everything would be alright if only I was eating a burrito right now.
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[30 Nov 2003|01:56pm]
[ mood | sarcastic ]

I just love shopping.

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[09 Nov 2003|12:06am]
nights are so hard to live through
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[06 Nov 2003|12:45pm]
I'm not doing so well.

I've been starring at the words "i'm not doing so well" for five minutes trying to think of something to follow it but I guess it's time I just gave up.

I saw The End at the che the other night.

Scarification must really hurt and I personally don't think it looks that cool. You lose most detail. It just looks like .. uh.. pain.

I get paid $8 an hour now.

I'm hanging out with Acacia tomorrow.

I think I'm closer to Susie now than I have been in the past two years of the four that I've known her.

I think I'll play some music.

I like rings.

I wonder if I should go see Pinback in San Diego or LA.

I just ordered a lot of shit from them. Because I like them.

Alright, I give up.
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[19 Oct 2003|06:34am]
my new e-mail is epigonic@rome.com
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Update [30 Sep 2003|11:06pm]
It's almost October, I need to go to the bank and extract money to pay rent. It's hard to believe that this is only the third time I've paid rent... I feel like I've been here forever. A couple more days and Adam and I will have been together for 5 months.
School entered its second month the other day. I got an 88% on my first math test, a score I am completely content with.
Adam's old drummer, Zac, is in my English class and we concluded that our teacher is exactly like an older Wonda Snipes (the comedian).
My friend and co-worker, Bobbie, is moving to North Park at the end of the week, so I won't be seeing or working with her anymore. She'll invite me to parties but I probably won't be interested then because I'm never interested now when she invites me.
I wish I had some drive or motivation to make friends. It's all at my finger tips, so many opportunities and things to see and do and people to meet. It's comforting but I don't relish in it at all. I went to this get together last Tuesday night after this show in Oceanside. It was at this guy Louie's house. He has a beautiful house off the Highway 101 in downtown (oceanside). His room(s) were separate from the house itself. His backyard was 10 times bigger than the house, so big that the only way to map where it ended was by the palm trees in the distance. There was a skatepark and a tree house, but there was a group of kids smoking weed in the treehouse so I never went in and there was a swarm of bee's (so I was warned) by the skatepark so I never went closer. It was dark, anyway.
Poway seems so long ago.

Adam's planning his future. I should do the same. Sean made good pasta tonight.

Money is becoming less of an issue. I work a lot more than I go to school and I bring in enough money, but I hardly break even and I never have spending money. Sometimes I pretend, though, that lots of Adam's things are actually stuff I bought for myself. I mean, I don't use them or anything, I just pretend that I went to work for 6 hours so that I could by myself a 600 dollar keyboard.

It's easier to get through the day when you feel like you're working for something tangible and not just rent.

I guess that about sums it up. I miss you.
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